Monday, May 01, 2023


grief diaries

Hi friends, it's been a long time, I know.  I'm writing today as a placeholder, for myself and for Ryan, because I don't want this blog to be deleted due to inactivity.  A brief life update: Hodge and I are living quietly at home.  I have a daily routine that keeps me in motion when motion is required and helps me be still when I need to be still.  Writing in my diary is one of the first things I do each day, after feeding Hodge his early breakfast.  We miss Ry more than words can say.  Tears arrive at some point each day, often several times a day.  I also have some good times, being with my sister and our family, my niece, and a few close friends.  Otherwise I spend my time alone, working in the studio, reading, and doing the necessary tasks of daily life.  Grief is ever-present but sometimes a whisper and not the whole shout of pain.  So much has happened since Ry died, it feels impossible to encapsulate.  I will say that a few things I've done have been specifically for him, and a few are ongoing projects I want to share in the future.  So I may write here again, about that.  Until then, thank you for reading my blog all those years, such good years, when we were able to speak about books and bookshops and library sales and reading.  I've read a stack of books about grief and bereavement, and they have helped that part of me which can be helped.  But there is a part of me now gone, beyond that kind of help, because the essential trouble is unsolvable.  When Ry left, half of me went along with him.  Who we used to be.  Who I was, with him.  I'm slowly learning to live with a new version of myself, and reality.  Enough for now.  Thanks for reading.  Peace, and gratitude for what we had, and what remains.

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